I have thought about writing recently as it has been a while since I last posted. The subject has felt personal and as much as I believe in it and wish to expand it into something more than a thought (as that is all it will receive here) I have hesitated to share it on here recently. Maybe it is partially still my worries about sharing my thoughts and working on the duel life as a therapist in a small place like Boulder. Writing about it felt distant to me and I felt no pressure or need to share it. Only recently did it come up in conversation with a friend who asked if I was seeing anyone, and only after I had noticed my desires shifting. So I will do my best to share trying to make as much sense as possible and being as clear and honest with myself as I can.
Maybe I should start with the simple idea of..the Whole Self. A person that does not yearn for needs from another, but instead feels able to feel confident, cared for, loved, fulfilled and happy not in a partnership. Someone who is not missing a piece of themselves or is fractured, but whole and round.
Ok..this will get personal..as my story going forward in life changes so does the story I write about my past.
For some time, after the end of my last relationship a year ago, I felt broken.
So much of my life I have wanted to love another, to feel complete in a partnership, to feel bonded and loved for all of me. Through my own struggles to find myself, grabble with this world, I thought that another was a balancing point, a lighthouse when one is lost, and maybe it can be and is for some, but not how I was looking for them.
For some time after the end of my relationship I struggled along wanting space and wanting another partner.
I dated some, found a deep connection and then something else hit me, something I can't share here, but it sent me on a spiral one which I thought I was alone for...but I wasn't and I never was. In this depression I saw my home (Picklebric co-op), my family, and my friends all hold me (physically and emotionally), care for me like I want all people to feel cared for. I was loved by those who were dear, and I welcomed it. None of it was romantic and it was all pure. In these months afterwards and adventuring out to Colombia I stopped searching and saw the love I had here for me and with me always..I was beginning to see clear as my vision for what I was looking for was feeling corrected. I focused on this love and felt it, as if something was clearing inside me, as if something was filling out the circle that might have always been missing and I thought others would fill. It was my whole self.
I think my search was for love..yet love is always here with me when I am with others. Partnership will be available again and I don't need to rush into finding it; Patience feels more natural, as now I center on the whole me and what amazing new world that can give me. I no longer feel broken..and probably haven't for some time and the depression has faded as it was literally held by roommates and friends, emotionally too.
Now I go weddings and feel part of it, full, so full of love.
Recently I was part of the weirdest wedding I have eve been too. I was a bridesmaid to give you an idea, and even decided to pitch in on the roast they had....which as you might tell, since my writing might suggest, turned into a toast, which I even choked up at the end of because of the love I was feeling.
At this wedding I saw such partnerships that seemed to be molded together beautifully, full of fun, laughter, were unique and plainly made sense in the weirdest possible ways; Relationships that I normally would feel little alone and happiness seeing together, now I smiled as I felt love because for those moments I was there in their presence I was also part of it with them. I was able to share the love because I was witness of it and it creates the same feeling of love in me.
As I give my energy to the world, I grow and see that my fantasies can sometimes be reality and given a chance by giving them the energy that before might have been fueling something that was not whole, another person, or attempting to hold myself together. It is now given to the adventure of my life. Maybe I will meet someone tomorrow, or maybe it will be years before I meet someone I want to spend time with, either way, I will have patience, life is too good to not
I never do write quite as well as I think and know this might not have come out exactly how I intended so I ask you, reader, please don't judge this too much...hold it close to that heart that yearns for love.